i still struggle with this all the time, even while knowing that depression-brain & our inner critical voice lies to us and that isolation from other people makes it worse, but its something where, the thing deep within you that is capable of fighting nihilism and despair, and cynicism preventing you from feeling like you are capable of being a good person, its something you have to feel out and get in touch with, and a lotta people dont really feel like understanding or studying themselves that deeply. but you can, and its just like with anything. its repetition, its the thing where if you dont have the will to do it off the rip you eventually sometimes just say fuck it because you feel you deserve the same closeness to others that genuinely terrible people in the world seem to get ( like there are fascist dickheads who have wives and kids, yknow? and usually thats some superficial bullshit but you are capable of building stronger connections to others in life, than that, that arent based on status or money ). sometimes if im really in the pit its the silliest possible thing that drags me back, like a verbal tic i might hear someone say in a video that i think sounds funny ( "yeeowch" ), a good piece of music, just whatever sort of warm, human thing it is that helps ground you and helps you remember that we really are all here to lift each other up, we're all supposed to be in this thing together and help each other find community, on this planet, and that compassion can win out no matter what bullshit they try to sell you that tells you otherwise. which means starting with having compassion for yourself, thinking abt how you were as a kid and how you are now, in what ways your perspective has changed, and how you can reset back to the point where you dont need to isolate and depreciate yourself as a defense mechanism, from harms that probably didnt start with you. you just gotta be, in the world, and keep trying stuff, keep learning new things every day, the new information eventually will supercede and maybe drown out whatever old and unnecessary thing lying to you. thats somewhat worked for me, or its at least made it quieter

book doctor visit/physical, dental copay in advance to fix swollen thing under cracked tooth, book lipo/breast augment fat transfer and electrolysis some months out ( exploiting loophole ). id buy - for myself, to build and run - a combination trans shelter and rec center. we'd throw all kinds of events, dj nights, gaming stuff, ballroom galas, masquerades. i wouldnt own that because its not an item, but it'd be a contribution to the culture around me and that'd make me happy. this probably doesnt work with the question, idfk. id ride the train to go talk to my mom ive lost touch with for years, i'd take her to a museum. i'd go stare at the beach and play disc golf. i'd buy some supreme court opinions