Sive’s. · 10d
Hi Kak Siv...
I don't even know where to start, but... boleh gak aku cerita? Or maybe ask for a little perspective from you? Tentang... maaf ya Kak... maybe tentang gimana rasanya bisa bareng sama someone you love. Kayak Kak Siv sama Kak Thea gitu (btw congrats yaaa!! 🥹🤍). Maaf kalau random banget, tadi tweet Kakak lewat di timeline aku, terus somehow langsung keinget semuanya.
Actually, I'm bi. I knew it since SHS. Waktu itu aku punya sahabat, and we're really, really close. Sampai tukeran cerita trauma masing-masing, deeptalk tiap malam, pokoknya she's one of the safest people I've ever had. Waktu SHS kita juga sama-sama punya boyfriend. Terus lucunya dia putus duluan, habis itu aku juga ikut putus 😭 literally kayak trend TikTok yang satu putus temennya ikut putus juga. Maaf Kak malah ngelantur HAHAHA.
One night kita deeptalk lagi, terus somehow bahas LGBTQ+. Honestly, dari JHS aku bukan orang yang anti-LGBTQ+, dan ternyata dia juga enggak. Aku iseng bilang kalau aku gak yakin aku straight atau bukan, terus kita iseng nyobain sexuality test di website. Her result? Straight. Mine? Bi. Aku kaget banget. But do you know what she did? Dia malah bilang "congratulations", comfort aku, dan setelah itu gak ada yang berubah sama sekali. She treated me exactly the same. Waktu itu aku takut banget sama reaksi orang kalau mereka tahu, but she made me feel safe. I don't think she'll ever know how much that meant to me.
Time passed. We both dated guys again, dan waktu itu aku juga belum pernah ngerasain suka sama cewek sama sekali. Kita masih main bareng, nginep, hunting makanan, jalan-jalan, pokoknya everything felt normal. Sampai akhirnya kita lulus SHS dan aku kuliah di luar kota. Somehow kuliah bikin cara pikirku berubah banyak. Untungnya aku ketemu circle yang baik, dan waktu itu aku juga masih sama my boyfriend.
Terus suatu hari aku dengar kalau sahabatku kena trigger sesuatu sampai traumanya kambuh. Aku langsung pulang. I don't know... rasanya marah banget sama orang yang bikin dia sampai se-down itu. Ternyata pacar barunya. Yang bikin aku makin kesel, dia bahkan gak cerita kalau dia punya pacar baru karena katanya takut aku marah. Ya gimana gak marah 😭 Aku lihat sendiri gimana susahnya dia bangun lagi sejak SHS, terus sekarang malah dibikin nangis lagi. Selama hampir tiga semester aku sering bolak-balik pulang buat nemuin dia. My boyfriend waktu itu mulai nanya kenapa aku sering pulang. Aku jawab ya karena sahabatku lagi gak baik-baik aja. Tapi dia malah bilang, "No... that's not the real reason you keep going home." Aku bingung. Terus dia bilang, "You like her." 😭
Aku bahkan cerita ke temen-temen kuliahku, and somehow mereka semua bilang hal yang sama. Aku masih denial waktu itu. Sampai suatu hari aku tahu dia bohong. Dia bilang gak bisa pergi, tapi ternyata dia jalan sama seseorang yang udah aku cut off sejak SHS. Dia tahu banget kenapa aku nge-cut off orang itu. Aku marah. Aku silent treatment dia. Terus aku curhat lagi ke my boyfriendwaktu itu (btw kita putus bukan karena ini ya, purely karena LDR 😂), terus dia cuma bilang, "Goblok lo." 😭 Sakit sih harga diri aku waktu itu. Bayangin aja... aku sadar kalau aku suka sama seseorang aja harus dibantu orang lain, apalagi sama mantan gue, kimpul lah anjir. Dan pas akhirnya aku sadar... my first crush on a girl ternyata sahabatku sendiri. Like... MOSOK SEH??? Aku nangis banget waktu itu.
Tapi aku tetap berteman sama dia. Bedanya sekarang... I had a crush on her. Quietly. Aku gak pernah ada niat buat ngaku. Aku cuma pengen tetap bisa lihat dia aja, itu udah cukup. Sampai suatu malam kita bahas LGBTQ+ lagi, and guess what... dia masih sama. Dia bilang, "Aku gak pernah kepikiran suka cewek." 😭 Perjalanan pulang malam itu rasanya panjang banget. Terus karena aku takut... takut kalau suatu hari dia tahu perasaanku dan mulai ngelihat aku dengan cara yang berbeda... aku yang pergi duluan. Aku block semua kontaknya. Everything. We completely lost contact for almost three years.
Terus semalam... entah gimana ceritanya dia chat aku lewat grup lama kita 😭 AKU BARU TAU ORANG YANG DIBLOKIR MASIH BISA CHAT LEWAT GROUP 😭 Itu grup isinya archive foto, video, wishlist kita dulu. Aku literally gemeter. Dia nanya kabarku, dia minta maaf kalau pernah salah, dia bilang selama ini dia nyari aku. She was completely clueless. She had no idea why I disappeared. And... I cried. Like... literally seharian.
The problem is... I still like her. Until today. She's still my favorite "what if". Dan sampai sekarang aku belum berani bales chatnya.
Maaf ya Kak... makasih banget kalau Kakak udah baca sampai sini. Aku beneran gak tahu harus cerita ke siapa lagi. Makanya aku pengen nanya... gimana sih rasanya bisa bareng sama orang yang kita suka? Aku lihat Kak Siv sama Kak Thea, kalian kelihatan bahagia banget. Aku ikut seneng, tapi di saat yang sama jadi mikir... aku gak seberani kalian. I really admire your courage. Kadang aku juga mikir... am I selfish?😂 Siapa sih aku sampai berharap bisa sama dia?😂 Maybe aku terlalu jumawa buat ngebayangin kemungkinan itu😂 I don't know... :/ I'm just really confused.
Udah deh Kak, capek ngetik sambil nangis 😭 Thank you so, so much udah mau baca semua yapping aku yang panjang ini. I'm really sorry if I disturbed your time. Abis baca ini jangan lupa mandi pakai air garam ya Kak 😭 BUKAN DOAIN APA-APA YA, cuma preventive measure aja siapa tau energy overthinking-ku nular 😭🙏
Seriously... thank you so much, Kak. Wishing nothing but happiness for Kak Siv and Kak Thea.🤍
K.
Halo, sender! Before I answer your question, I just so happen to be reading your message with someone I truly and endlessly love by my side :))
I've read everything, from your very first word to your signature. And to answer your question, being with someone I truly love has helped me so much in living life as a human being. I constantly remind her how much I love her and how much she has made me feel human again after spending years feeling like I couldn't be myself, like I couldn't truly be human. But with her, I get to keep being human. She made me feel alive again, and that's my "why." That's what makes me feel grateful every single day.
Sender, if there's one thing I want to say, it's this: go for it. You only live once, so... yolo! Tell her how you feel. Share your heart. Embrace it. I know that's much easier said than done, and I know you're scared. That's completely understandable. But sometimes, keeping your feelings to yourself can become an even heavier burden than sharing them.
If you're scared of what she might say, then maybe you should also be scared of drowning in your own unspoken feelings. :) If she's meant to be in your life, she'll stay. I know how difficult it is to figure yourself out, and I also know how terrifying it is to carry feelings for someone while fearing they'll leave the moment you confess.
But again, sender... YOLO! Whatever her answer may be, at least you'll finally know. You won't have to spend years wondering, "What if?" Sometimes, the closure that comes from honesty is kinder than a lifetime of uncertainty.
I'm rooting for you, sender baik. I hope you find the courage to tell her someday yaaa.
