Because it quiets the demons that pursue me from within.

I suffer from pervasive, all-consuming anxiety. People would call me a worry-wart in the past but its more complex than that. I am susceptible to doom-spiraling about anything ranging from work, weather, my own past actions, medical issues, etc. I've described it as a curse of being overly involved and concerned with the people and things around me, and the weight that it places on my own soul. Almost all of the things that weigh so heavily on me have nothing to do with my own life or fate, but with those around me.

Alcohol is a coping mechanism, and its never been anything else, in hindsight. I've said at some points that drinking makes me into the Real Me™ but the reality behind that is that the real me is the one that isn't paralyzed by worry and fret and the like. If I were free from all of those things, I wouldn't need a way to pave over them in order just to show my real ass to everyone, and be the person I always wanted to be. In other words, when I'm under the influence I'm away from the influence of the things going on inside my own head. Paradoxical, or something.

I'm sorry if I've ever disturbed or disquieted you. I didn't set out to do that. The fact of the matter is that I'm too stupid to lie, so I wind up being very raw and nakedly frank. I never blame anyone who unfollows me, I can be a lot at times, and it can make people uncomfortable. As much as I love people, my posts are for me first. Its a tiny selfishness in my life wherein I can bear my soul, ugly though it may be, to anyone willing to read or listen.