the edelweiss · 4h
hiii kak ruri, i'm sorry for suddenly sending something this personal. i honestly don't know who else to tell this to... i read ballad of the sinful lovers a few months ago dan sangat membekas di ingatanku because i heavily cried reading that (also because you wrote that beautifully!!!)
something happened today that suddenly made me think of botsl again. mungkin karena latarnya sama dan aku familiar banget sama suasananya? i also had my first love in boarding school. we weren't particularly close, but somehow there was this mutual feeling between us that neither of us was brave enough to acknowledge properly. we both knew, eventually, that we had liked each other back then. but nothing ever really happened, and graduation became the last time we really saw each other.
but today, setelah 3 tahun, dia tiba-tiba chat aku. tiba-tiba ngasih tau that her parents already discuss to arrange a marriage for her (nggak dalam tahun-tahun dekat ini, but stil!!) and she suddenly told me that she really did like me back then, and that maybe even sekarang juga, she still does... she also apologized for not being brave enough to tell me before :)
and now i don't know what to say, i don't know if i still have feelings for her too, i don't even know what to call them after three years, but hearing her say that made me realize that maybe i never completely stopped.. apa gimana gatau aku bingung... and i don't know if i should tell her that now i feel like whatever im gonna do semuanya kerasa salah karena im started to regret for being scared back then too.
once again, i am very sorry to put this on your message box karena gaada yang tau tentang ini dan aku bingung mau cerita ke mana dan mungkin karena botsl once made me feel like someone understood stories like this JADII maaf banget ya kak ruri... i just needed someone to hear this without telling me that what i feel is wrong DAN kalo pesan ini nggak nyaman, tolong diabaikan dan dihapus aja... terima kasih sudah mau baca sebanyak ini, kak!!
oh my god this is so... :( i don't even know what to say sender-nim but i really wish i can give you and your friend all the happiness that you both deserved. i'm terribly sorry for all the things this world has done to you both. i think i understand your turmoil about being scared of every option that is left for us because there's no any good enough choice for us to choose so lightheartedly and it's totally okay to take your time to think about your feeling a bit deeper. i know this friend of yours will understand. regret is something inevitable when it comes to love, you know… but all those regrets are the transformed version of your love, too. maybe you didn’t have the courage to tell her what you feel back then because you know it’ll bring you both into troubles. nggak selamanya remained in the silence berarti kamu nggak punya keberanian. on the contrary, sometimes holding onto what you think is safe might be your very own form of bravery. so i hope you won’t be so hard on your younger self :) and there’s nothing about what you feel right now is wrong. whatever option you’re going to choose at the end of the day, please know that i’ll always be on your side. only you know what is the best for you and your own love. 💗
i don’t know if all these words will be able to help you to feel better, but if you stilll need someone to talk to about this, my DM is always open for you and will always be. thank you so much for loving botsl. i’m so glad to hear that the work made you feel seen even if at least it’s only just a bit. terima kasih juga banyak karena udah bertahan sejauh ini 🥹 please always know that you and your love is not something the world can call a mistake. your presence, your love, your hesitations are all different forms of love.
