✶ · 6d
I took my time with ch 8. I sat with and envisioned hj’s inner monologue. Him considering snuffing the life out of the only reason for his own existence. Him weighing his only two options—whether to give in or to kill his baby; as if the third option of refusing his baby isn’t even possible. I’m so deeply in love with you, lys, and I’m glad that I let my desperation for an update be known. The moment hj considered getting high with hj and thus withdrawing from his conscience altogether just so he could give his baby what he so desperately wants from his daddy; but then him wanting to be present in his decisions about his baby. God, lys.
HJ is not okay. He is doing his best with what he has. He can't let SH go/make him leave because SH's too unstable (I have entertained the possibility of HJ making SH leave and SH's reaction is NOT a good one and the only outcome is even worse so I'm not letting that happen)
So all HJ can do is put a stop to the source of his frustration by either ending it by way of force or giving SH what he wants before the violence HJ is expressing outwardly passes the point of control or it turns inward and he becomes self destructive...and he can't afford self-destructive behaviour because SH is dependent on him so....
Naturally, he'll choose the lesser of evils: surrender.
Yes it will come at the cost of sacrificing his morality, sense of self, mental wellness etc etc—BUT ! SH will be happy...and that's all that matters :)
