hi anon sayang, first of all, im sorry you have to go through this path too. i created natasya's story because its so close to my heart, and i gave myself proper closure through this, so i hope to give closure for those in the same circle too (ofc i've turned it into fiction, but the plot is still there). it took me almost half a decade to get out from the endless circle of questioning myself and thinking about all the what-if episodes. its funny kan when we thought we'd moved on, we were doing just fine now, and we thought we were happy now with the current path, but on a random friday it came to us, sitting across our table, blocking our views, and we couldn't see whats in front of us anymore. but it won't sit there for long... it will leave the cafe, and we'll find ourselves sitting there alone again until maybe some of the familiar faces come over to join our brunch. no matter how much time has passed, the feeling won't ever leave. whenever i saw those people i could've been in the same environment with, even when i saw a few of my own friends updating their instagram and everything, it made me wonder, "ahh would i be happier if i was there too, stressing over something i am passionate about? im sure i will be happier." but i think its not a bad thing either. j know the lingering feelings and the passion will always be there deep inside my heart. so when j get reminded of that, i will just find something similar to that. maybe watch a film or youtube or read something about that. mine was architecture, and the other one i will always long for is doing art. so i have my own personal favourite youtubers that do architecture for uni and another one that does art for living. when i look at those people, i have this sense of idk how to call it... happy? proud? they're doing things that they love, and through that platform that they shared with others, i got to experience what it's like to be there too, and somehow those people didn't even know that they've healed something inside me. i even had my personal fav AU that i would reread tau because i got to experience what its like to be an arsi student. and i found myself really happy after that. i will forever be thankful for the author (and i've told her that alr) maybe the passion and feeling will never be able to leave me. but maybe it is for the better too. maybe one day those passions could actually help me to go out from my own escape room, when everything else wouldn't help me anymore, when life feels like it isn't worth living anymore, when i feel like nothing makes me anymore, i will get reminded that i used to be someone who was passionate about those dreams; i used to be happy thanks to those. so that's mean i still need to walk so i can see more from those people. i don't even know what im talking about tbh rn, and i know you're not asking for advice pon anon. but i know one day, you'll finally have your own closure. if natasya did, i know you will too, i know everyone will. i also wish it won't take so much time for that day to finally happen, but its not easy so im not giving you a promise. but i know it will happen. and when it happens, the world inside us will be so much quieter and calmer. but the cycle of life will never end anon. maybe one day you'll get reminded again, and the wave of sadness will take over your heart once again. but when it happens later, you know how to swim better now. and there will be people, none other than your own self, waiting for you with a towel. i wish you all the best anon. i pray that everything will be smooth for you. sorry panjang sangat. it will get better. please be happy always ye anon. i pray that you'll be happier <3